Tesla’s Orwellian ‘Night Curfew’: Big Brother in Your Car?

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    Tesla’s Latest Car Update Is a Total Nightmare for Rowdy Teens (and Parents, Too!)

    Get ready to crash the party, kids – or rather, get ready for the party to crash… your trust fund. Tesla’s latest software update has effectively kneecapped your excuses to drive your parents’ $50,000+ vehicle like you own the place.

    The tech mogul has unleashed its latest vengeance, err, update (version 2024.26), and it’s filled with features that will make you grovel for mercy. First, it includes a “Maximum Speed Limit” option, because let’s face it, nobody wants their teenager blasting through the ‘hood like Mario Andretti. And with acceleration limits, those sweet, sweet 0-60 mph runs are now ancient history.

    But wait, there’s more! Parents can also set a “Night Curfew” mode, which – if you’re not home when they expect you to be – will no doubt trigger a stern conversation… or a revoked allowance… or both. And did I mention the update also gives your parents access to your ” vehicle’s location at all times” thanks to a snazzy feature called “Family Link”?”

    You thought the good ol’ days of YouTube Music and Spotify on your Tesla’s screen were behind us? Think again! The company’s added Amazon Music and Weather Forecast to the mix, because when you’re stuck in traffic with the missus, a little AC and some Bezos-owned tunes are just what you need. Now you can jam to the tunes on Alexa while simultaneously plotting the exact trajectory of your parents’ road trip to grandma’s house.

    For all you audiophiles, not to mention Zoom-addicts, this update won’t be a total wash. You can enjoy instant full-screen mode in Zoom… while parked… because sharing that screen is caring?

    Tesla’s Premium Connectivity subscription service comes in at a whopping $10 a month, because who can blame ’em? It’s probably all that pesky safety software and whatnot. And before you beg your parents to upgrade you from the basic package, remember they already shell out a king’s ransom for the car itself…

    There’s no telling when the rest of the world will get this magical software update, but for now, take a cue from me – don’t even get in the driver’s seat when this thing rolls out. Just wait for your parents to upgrade (the car, not you – come on, be realistic!), then beg them to drop the anchor on this partyboat…

    Stay frosty!

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