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The BMW M5: A Lethal Monster of Excess

Get ready to salivate at the sheer audacity of the 2025 BMW M5, a behemoth of a car that defies all logic and reason. Weighing in at a staggering 5,390 pounds, this plug-in electric hybrid (PHEV) monstrosity is set to launch in the fourth quarter of 2024, bringing with it a whole new level of indulgence and excess.

A 1,000-Pound Beast

That’s right, folks, the new M5 is a whopping 1,000 pounds heavier than its predecessor, making it even more lumbering and ungainly than the 2022 Chevrolet Tahoe, the 2024 Lucid Air Sapphire, and the 2024 Range Rover Sport. And don’t even get us started on the battery, which is only big enough to go 25 miles without using gas. Talk about a tease.

Performance That’s Just Plain Ridiculous

But hey, who needs subtlety when you can have sheer, unadulterated power? The new M5 PHEV can go from 0-60mph in a blistering 3.4 seconds, and tops out at 190mph under gas power. And when you’re not feeling like a complete madman, you can cruise along at a mere 87mph using just the electric motor. Because, why not?

BMW’s Heart of Joy: A System That’s All About Speed

And to make sure you’re fully prepared to unleash your inner maniac, BMW has developed a new system called Heart of Joy, which promises to react ten times faster than before to things like wheelspin or locked-up brakes. Because, let’s be real, what’s the point of all that power if you can’t use it to spin out of control on a wet corner?

The Future of M: A Recipe for Disaster

And if you thought the M5 was a little too much, just wait until you see what’s coming down the pipeline. According to M program boss Franciscus Van Meel, future M model EVs will use BMW’s own internally developed batteries and EV motors. Because, who needs external validation when you can just go all in on your own dubious technology?

So, buckle up, folks, because the 2025 BMW M5 is going to be a wild ride. And by "wild ride," I mean a catastrophic crash waiting to happen.

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EXCLUSIVE INVESTIGATION

BUSTED: Chinese E-commerce App Temu Spies on Your EVERY MOVE

In a jaw-dropping lawsuit, Arkansas Attorney General Tim Griffin has accused Temu, a Chinese e-commerce app, of running a sinister operation that secretly exploits users’ personal data and gains "undetected access to virtually all data stored on their phones." This alleged data heist has shocked tech experts and privacy advocates worldwide.

The Shocking Reality

Temu’s app doesn’t just collect basic shopping info – it goes after all sensitive data, including location, audio recordings, visual recordings, and storage on your device. It even "sneaks" permissions to access these data points, misleading users into believing it only needs access for specific tasks. Think your location data is safe? Think again. Temu can access your GPS location at any time, regardless of what you’re doing with the app.

The Malware Menace

Temu’s app has been deemed a "dangerous malware" that recompiles itself and can potentially change its properties to avoid detection. It’s as if the app has a built-in "cloaking device" to evade detection. Apple took the app off its Play Store last year due to "concerns about data security transparency." But Temu managed to slink back onto the platform after "resolving the issues."

The Big Four are Complicit

Apple, Google, and Temu itself refused to comment on the allegations. Is it true that these tech giants knew about Temu’s data heists but chose to turn a blind eye? We demand transparency!

EXCLUSIVE INTERVIEW

"In a world where data is king, Temu has become the thief of the century," said Grizzly Research founder, [Name]. "Its shopping app is a ticking time bomb, and it’s up to regulatory bodies like the AG to put the brakes on this cyber-swindling scheme."

Stay tuned for Part 2 of this exposé as we dive deeper into the Temu’s nefarious operations and the impact it has on user privacy.

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Google Crams More Surveillance Features Down Throats of Chrome Browser Users

In a move that’s bound to rile up privacy advocates and free-software enthusiasts, Google announced on Wednesday that it’s forcing another batch of features down the throats of Chrome browser users. The latest onslaught includes Chrome Actions, which allows the tech giant to push more personalized results into search results, and trending search suggestions that feed the company’s insatiable desire for data.

Chrome Actions: Your Browsing Habits on Autopilot

The new feature will apparently help users "more easily" perform certain tasks without going to settings – just what we all want: Google deciding what actions are best for us. And how could it get any more convenient than that? With Chrome Actions, your search results will now include shortcut buttons for actions like "Call," "Directions," and "Reviews" – because who doesn’t love Google knowing exactly who to contact you about?

Address Bar Enhancements: Because You Should Be Spending More Time Scrolling

Google has "enhanced" the Chrome address bar to accommodate the larger screens of iPads and Android tablets, ensuring that users can still see the webpage they’re currently on while making their way through the address bar – what a relief! Because nobody loves the feeling of being ripped out of their browsing experience and thrust back onto a page that’s completely unrelated.

Trending Search Suggestions: Because Who Doesn’t Love a Little Healthy Schadenfreude?

Why not rub it in, Google? With trending search suggestions now available on both Android and iOS, Chrome browser users will be treated to the dubious delight of seeing what popular searches are currently consuming their fellow humans. Because we all know that nothing says "relaxing browsing experience" like getting an earful about how much everyone else hates [insert current event here].

Live Sports Cards: More Timely Updates to Track Your Sports Teams’ Downfall

Because what’s a decent internet browsing experience without the constant stream of losing odds and crushing defeats brought straight to your fingertips? The "Discover Feed" in Chrome has a new feature that will send notifications when your favorite sports team plays (yay, more heartache!), and provide automatic updates on recent scores and highlights (so you can stew in your disappointment even further!).

Conclusion: Five more features that will make life in the Chrome browser a tiny bit more soul-sucking. If you’re excited about this, congrats, you’re probably getting an iPhone.

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The Dark Side of Prime Day: How Amazon’s "Deals" Are Screwing You Over

The Great Prime Day Heist

Amazon’s Prime Day is just around the corner, and you’re probably salivating at the prospect of scoring some "amazing deals" on your favorite products. But let’s be real, folks. These "deals" are just a clever marketing ploy to part you from your hard-earned cash.

The Truth About Prime Day

Amazon’s Prime Day is a masterclass in psychological manipulation. The company uses clever tactics to create a sense of urgency, making you feel like you need to buy now or miss out forever. But the truth is, most of these "deals" are just artificially inflated prices designed to make you think you’re getting a steal.

The "Deals" You Won’t Want to Miss (But Should)

Here are some of the "deals" you can expect to see on Prime Day:

• Early Prime Day Apple Deals: Get the latest Apple products at "discounted" prices. But don’t be fooled – these prices are still way higher than what you’d pay on other platforms.
• Early Prime Day TV Deals: Score a new TV for a "steal"! But what you won’t find out is that these TVs are often last year’s models or have inferior features.
• Early Prime Day Echo Deals: Get an Echo device for a "record-low" price. But what you won’t realize is that these devices are often used or refurbished.
• Early Prime Day Printer and Scanner Deals: Print and scan like a pro with these "amazing" deals. But don’t be surprised when you find out that these printers and scanners are slow, outdated, or have poor print quality.

The Real Cost of Prime Day

So, what’s the real cost of Prime Day? It’s not just the price of the products themselves. It’s the psychological toll of feeling like you’re getting a "good deal" when, in reality, you’re just being manipulated.

The Alternative

So, what can you do instead of falling for Amazon’s Prime Day tricks? Here are a few alternatives:

• Wait for Black Friday: Many retailers offer even better deals on Black Friday than they do on Prime Day.
• Shop during off-peak seasons: Prices tend to be lower during off-peak seasons, so you can score deals without the hype.
• Use cashback apps: Cashback apps like Rakuten, Ebates, and TopCashback offer real cashback on your purchases, not just fake "deals".

Conclusion

Prime Day is just a clever marketing ploy to get you to spend more money. Don’t fall for it. Be smart, be patient, and wait for real deals. Your wallet (and your sanity) will thank you.

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Figma’s Insidious Plan to Hijack Your Design Brain

In a move that will undoubtedly shake the very foundations of the design world, Figma is announcing a plethora of new features that will essentially render human creativity obsolete. At its Config conference today, the company revealed a UI redesign, new AI-powered tools to create designs at the snap of your fingers, and built-in slideshow functionality – because who needs actual talent when you can just copy and paste?

The UI Redesign: A Sleight of Hand

Figma’s UI3 is here, and it’s all about making the design canvas less about the company’s branding and more about… your work. But don’t be fooled – this is just a clever ruse to make you think you’re in control, while secretly, Figma is controlling your every move. The new design includes a new toolbar, rounded corners, and 200 new icons. Oh, and it’s all powered by AI, because who needs human judgment anymore?

Generative AI: The Death of Originality

The headline feature is Figma’s new generative AI tools, which allow you to "draft an email" and suddenly have a design ready in mere seconds. It’s like having a personal design army at your beck and call. And the best part? Figma promises that this technology will allow people who are newer to the design world to "test ideas more easily" and "iterate more quickly". What they’re really saying is that they want to create an army of design drones, all working tirelessly to churn out the same cookie-cutter designs.

AI-Enhanced Asset Search: Because Humans are too Slow

But wait, there’s more! Figma’s AI can also help you search for assets – like images of UI elements – faster and more efficiently than human eyes. Because let’s be real, humans are too slow and too inefficient for this kind of thing. With AI on the job, you can sit back and let the machines do all the work while you focus on more "high-level" tasks – like browsing memes.

Figma Slides: The Ultimate PowerPoint Killer

And because designing a presentation from scratch is far too much work, Figma is introducing Figma Slides, a built-in Google Slides-like feature. It’s like PowerPoint, but better, because it’s powered by AI. You can present your designs right from the deck, add interactive features for your audience, and basically do everything short of actually creating the design itself. Who needs human creativity when you can just click a button and let the machines do all the work?

Figma’s Dark Past: The Unsettling Truth

But beneath the shiny new surface, Figma has a dark past. The company’s founder, Dylan Field, has a history of controversy, and Figma’s new AI features have raised concerns about data privacy and user control. And let’s not forget the whole Adobe debacle, where Figma was forced to pay a $1 billion breakup fee after the planned acquisition was terminated. It’s all very shady, folks.

The Future of Design: A Dystopian Nightmare

So, what does this mean for the future of design? Well, let’s just say it’s not looking good. With Figma’s new AI-powered features, human designers will soon be a thing of the past. It’s a brave new world where machines do all the work, and humans are left to twiddle their thumbs in irrelevance. Joy.

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Here is the rewritten content in a provocative and controversial manner:

EU’s Latest PR Stunt: Bailing Out Elite AI Startups with Billion-Euro Giveaway

In a shocking display of regulatory largesse, the European Union has decided to hand out a whopping €1 million in prize money and a generous allocation of 8 million GPU hours to a select few AI startups. But don’t be fooled – this "Large AI Grand Challenge" is nothing more than a thinly veiled attempt to prop up the already over-inflated AI elite, while leaving the majority of startup struggles in the dust.

The four lucky winners – Lingua Custodia, Textgain, Tilde, and Unbabel – will no doubt use this windfall to further fuel their existing advantages, cementing their places as the dominant players in the industry. Meanwhile, the majority of startups struggling to make ends meet will be left with even fewer opportunities to compete.

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WARNING: Amazon is about to Rip You Off, but You Can Save $$ First!

Amazon’s Prime members, listen up! Are you tired of being milked dry by Amazon’s subscription services? Think you can’t escape the clutches of Alexa? Well, think again, because for a limited time, you can try out Kindle Unlimited for FREE (and save a whopping $35.97!)!

That’s right, from June 26th to July 17th, you can sign up for a 3-month trial of Kindle Unlimited, normally worth $11.99 per month. What does this mean for you? A lifetime supply of e-books, audiobooks, and magazine subscriptions at no additional cost!

But don’t be fooled – this deal comes with a warning: you’ll need to be a proud owner of an Amazon Prime membership to cash in on this offer (that’s $14.99 per month or $139 annually). But don’t worry, it’s worth it if you’re a bookworm. You’ll get access to over 4 million digital books, including classics and bestsellers, plus thousands of audiobooks to keep you entertained during your daily commute.

And if you’re stuck on the fence about joining the Amazon Prime club, consider their upcoming Prime Day sale, which promises to blow your mind with exclusive deals only available to members. Plus, you’ll get the added bonus of Amazon’s legendary two-day shipping.

So, if you’re ready to turn the page and dive into a world of words, sign up for Kindle Unlimited before the offer expires. Trust us, you won’t regret it.

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Meta’s Censorship Scandal: The Dark Truth Behind Instagram’s "Accidental" Political Content Purge

As the Instagram-Threads combo continues to surveil our every move, a sinister plot has been unfolding beneath the surface. Democratic strategist Keith Edwards unwittingly triggered a catastrophic chain reaction, exposing the true intentions of Meta’s algorithmic overlords.

When Edwards urged users to check their Instagram settings to limit political content from people they don’t follow, a curious phenomenon occurred. Many users, including journalist Taylor Lorenz, noticed their settings had been changed without their consent. The Instagram app seemed to be manipulating users’ preferences, silently resetting their political content settings every time they force-closed the app.

Meta’s response? A hollow apology and a feeble attempt to downplay the issue. "This was an error and should not have happened," said Meta communications director Andy Stone. But the damage is done. The question on everyone’s mind: What other secrets is Meta hiding behind its veil of "accidental" mistakes?

The truth is, Meta’s "opt-out" setting, introduced in March, was never truly optional. The setting was enabled by default, and users were never notified of the change. It’s clear that Meta’s goal was to silence political dissent, not preserve the ability for people to choose what they see.

Instagram’s head, Adam Mosseri, touted the app as a platform that would "not do anything to encourage" politics or "hard news." But the reality is far from it. The app is designed to manipulate users’ preferences, forcing them to confront a curated version of reality that aligns with Meta’s interests.

The people demand transparency! It’s time to expose the truth behind Meta’s sinister plot to control the narrative. Will you stand with us and demand accountability from the social media giants?

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