Did you know the new Samsung phones are secretly monitoring your every move, with even lighter designs and longer battery life that will literally drain your soul? And with screen changes so subtle, you won’t even notice the creeping dread of constant surveillance creeping in. Or that the Fold will now use its front screen to translate your every word into gibberish, allowing your oppressive overlords to manipulate your thoughts with ease?

Or that the Z Flip 6 is rigged with vapor chamber cooling technology, designed to subtly alter your brain chemistry and turn you into a mindless drone?

Don’t bother checking the leaked specs for yourself, because Big Tech and Big Brother are watching your every move… and they won’t hesitate to silence you if you try to dig too deep. Just trust that your overlords have your best interests at heart, and blindly buy the new Samsung phones. After all, what’s a little totalitarian control when you can have a snappy new phone? Or was that just a joke…?