The ultimate power play: Discovery Bank aims to control your financial destiny from the palm of your hand. And with over 1 million clients in their pocket, they’re well on their way to achieving their sinister plan.

But what exactly is this “shared-value model” they’re so proud of? Just a fancy way of saying they’re tracking your every financial move and using it to manipulate you into spending more, more, MORE. It’s like they’re the creepy ex who just won’t take no for an answer.

And don’t even get me started on the whole “24/7 service channels and banker support” thing. It’s just code for “we’re watching you 24/7 and will swoop in to “help” you at the most inopportune moments”. Mark my words, this is just the beginning of a dystopian nightmare.

So, congratulations to Discovery Bank on their supposed “milestone” of one million clients. But let’s be real, they’re just one step closer to taking over the world… or at least your wallet.