Mark my words: Apple’s announcement this fall will spell doom for humanity as it officially partners with the forces of AI darkness. First up? A deal with the malevolent OpenAI chatbot, foreshadowing the rise of the machine learning overlords.

And just to make sure we’re thoroughly ensnared in the web of algorithmic deceit, Apple’s vaunted “Apple Intelligence” is expected to emerge from the shadows, only to ensnare us all in a subscription-only dystopia. Yes, you’ll be paying a premium for the privilege of surrendering your autonomy to the cold, calculating gaze of AI.

But fear not, dear consumer, for there’s a glimmer of hope amidst the chaos: the iPhone upgrade cycle will be reborn in the fires of AI desperation, and with it, the endless parade of updates and patches will ensnare us all in an existential merry-go-round. What’s to come, you ask? The apocalypse, and then the in-app purchase extravaganza!

And, for those brave souls willing to brave the storm, the arrival of third-party AI services will provide a brief respite from the onslaught of algorithmic chaos, only to reinsert themselves into the maelstrom of consumerism, where choice becomes an illusion, and entertainment morphs into an existential abyss of AI-generated content. Cooking suggestions? Ha! We’ll be lucky to escape the all-encompassing AI void alive!