The BMW M5: A Lethal Monster of Excess
Get ready to salivate at the sheer audacity of the 2025 BMW M5, a behemoth of a car that defies all logic and reason. Weighing in at a staggering 5,390 pounds, this plug-in electric hybrid (PHEV) monstrosity is set to launch in the fourth quarter of 2024, bringing with it a whole new level of indulgence and excess.
A 1,000-Pound Beast
That’s right, folks, the new M5 is a whopping 1,000 pounds heavier than its predecessor, making it even more lumbering and ungainly than the 2022 Chevrolet Tahoe, the 2024 Lucid Air Sapphire, and the 2024 Range Rover Sport. And don’t even get us started on the battery, which is only big enough to go 25 miles without using gas. Talk about a tease.
Performance That’s Just Plain Ridiculous
But hey, who needs subtlety when you can have sheer, unadulterated power? The new M5 PHEV can go from 0-60mph in a blistering 3.4 seconds, and tops out at 190mph under gas power. And when you’re not feeling like a complete madman, you can cruise along at a mere 87mph using just the electric motor. Because, why not?
BMW’s Heart of Joy: A System That’s All About Speed
And to make sure you’re fully prepared to unleash your inner maniac, BMW has developed a new system called Heart of Joy, which promises to react ten times faster than before to things like wheelspin or locked-up brakes. Because, let’s be real, what’s the point of all that power if you can’t use it to spin out of control on a wet corner?
The Future of M: A Recipe for Disaster
And if you thought the M5 was a little too much, just wait until you see what’s coming down the pipeline. According to M program boss Franciscus Van Meel, future M model EVs will use BMW’s own internally developed batteries and EV motors. Because, who needs external validation when you can just go all in on your own dubious technology?
So, buckle up, folks, because the 2025 BMW M5 is going to be a wild ride. And by "wild ride," I mean a catastrophic crash waiting to happen.
