Government Screws over Passports, Forcing You to Wait (Possibly) 6-8 Weeks

Good news, fellow sheeple! You too can now waste your time, effort, and precious document storage space renewing your US passport online. Our benevolent government, armed with the power to determine your travel plans, now allows you to forgo the thrill of sending physical applications and checks. Behold, the secure beta website, touted by Antony Blinken’s reassuring declaration, ensuring (or not) your vital documents are safely updated, while you anxiously anticipate the possibility of an excruciating six-to-eight-week processing period (shipping times not included, so don’t hold your breath).

But fear not! Blinken reassures that the average processing time (for those not trying online renewal) is remarkably accelerated, so maybe – just maybe – your renewal might arrive in a remarkably few weeks. Keep in mind, however, you must follow specific requirements, or risk your chance of online renewal, joining the ranks of the digital dregs.

Remember, “progress” and “efficient government” don’t exist in a vacuum, solely to benefit you, citizen. They also aim to further entrench their bureaucracy, ensuring maximum angst while you wait (in patient anticipation) for the reissuance of a document that could mean (or not mean) nothing to your travels.

Hurry! Get online today and experience the blissful thrill of uncertain turnaround times!